The Great Unlearning
When did I learn that truth should be silenced for the sake of ‘family’,
that ‘reputation’ was more important than honesty?
When did I learn that my trauma was my cross to bear?
That martyrs were virtuous?
That a child has more responsibility to love unconditionally than an adult?
When did I learn that it was my job to take care of everyone?
That asking to be seen
was too much?
When did I learn that my truths, pain, frustration, sadness, grief, confusion,
sense of overwhelm,
and lost feelings all had to take a backseat,
to you?
My truth
disrupted the broken status quo,
so it was to be swallowed whole,
even if I choked.
I was so busy protecting,
saving everything,
that I forgot to save myself.
I was convinced that my worth was tied to caregiving,
rather than care receiving.
That I could ‘handle’ it
since others couldn’t.
Bullshit.
Self-care did not exist in our home.
I never saw it.
I saw a martyr in my beautiful mother,
which taught me to put everyone else before myself.
And a narcissist in my dad,
which taught me if I thought of myself I would be as selfish as him.
I was never taught what it means to stand in your truth,
your power,
with grace,
and with unconditional love.
So I’ve had to teach myself.
This is an act of self love.
This is an act of self sovereignty.
This is an act of me setting myself free of burdens that are not mine to carry.
This is an act of me telling the truth.
This is an act of me not shrinking and shapeshifting,
to save the reputation of others.
Your sins are not mine to carry.
This is no longer my cross to bear.
the spoken word
I conceive these pieces with the beat of my heart,
then birth them with the fire of my voice.
i am ayla
born in the east, raised in the west
daughter of two academics, both artists
masters in human rights, committed to social justice
love affair with travel, art, and food
speaks four languages, laughs in all