Sacha's Birth: Part 2
With a letter like the previous one, I know I am due for an update.
Many have asked: how are things now?
Let's start with, things are better.
At almost 10 weeks our world looks a lot different. We are stronger and life is easier. Sacha is thriving, and for that I thank god everyday.
Our birth and postpartum experience was traumatic for us and left us with serious scar tissue. The first 4 weeks were the hardest of my life. The first 2 were the darkest. I shiver just remembering it.
I always said I wanted two children, but our experience made it so we can't ever imagine doing it again. That may change in time, but for now there is too much fear.
One day I may write to the hospital about their mistreatment and the aftereffects. But not now. Now I need my energy for Sacha, for healing and moving forward with joy.
I don't want to miss out on the magic. As the physical health issues lifted, so did the fog and challenges that came with them. I love our little boy so much, I am so grateful for the pain-free days when I can revel in the wonders of him.
Breastfeeding is still a journey. We worked with 5 lactation consultants, 2 doulas (and a partridge and a pear tree). While a lot of our obstacles could have been avoided with proper postpartum care and breastfeeding support from the onset, other things are just the luck of the draw...
So, what did we do?
Feed the baby. With baby not latching, there was little milk, which meant for the first 4 weeks we had to supplement with formula. The most important thing was that he was fed, that he was gaining weight, so we did what we had to. If we were better prepared for this possibility I would have ordered better formula in advance (vs. the options we have at the pharmacy) or I would have had donor milk ready in the freezer just in case. But we were never taught that things might go this way, I never heard these types of stories, which meant we were not prepared for plan B. But feed the baby we did, as best as we could, and thrive he did.
Maintain the supply. With no breastfeeding maintaining my milk supply was another extra full-time job. I took all the supplements, and Domperidone. For the first week I was on a 2-hour pumping protocol, then for the next 3 weeks I was on a 3-hour pumping protocol. After week 4 I was pumping on demand. Now I only pump when we bottle-feed, so maybe 1-3 times a day. As of week 4 we are 100% breastmilk-fed. As of week 8 we have so much extra that we’ve been freezing milk. These milestones we celebrate with all our heart!
Fix the latch. The latch has been, and continues to be our biggest challenge. We started with finger/ tube feeding, nipple shield, and then mostly have bottle-fed. We had his tongue-tie released to see if that would help. Time, grit, guts, perseverance, and some help from above we finally got a latch at 5 weeks. By week 6 I was able to breastfeed on my own. I remember the moment so clear, it marked my heart, when without any assistance, just Sacha and I were able to feed. It was marvellous. Unfortunately the latch has not been pain-free, and the more I breastfeed the onset of MCS/ Vasospasm began. Which meant more supplements, pills and painkillers. It's all relative. All I can say is that it doesn't hurt all of the time (which is better than before). We completed our first cluster-feed on the breast (14-hours, every hour on the hour) 2 weeks ago. We completed our first 24 hours on the breast yesterday. And every-time it doesn't hurt I look down and think, we’re doing this, we made it! It feels like a miracle! Pure miracle.
So, how are we?
Emotionally it’s gut wrenching to offer your breast to your baby over and over everyday and have them 'reject' it. It’s emotionally exhausting to try and try again to no avail. It’s demoralizing to not be able to feed your child this way without the help of a million other hands. It's misleading to see all the pictures of people breastfeeding with smiles, the posters, the Instagram posts, etc. You feel so alone. Why can’t you do this 'natural' act? The emotional ride here has been taxing to say the least.
Physically pain is more tiring than sleep deprivation. Pain brings fog, headaches, toothaches, backaches, emotional and mental numbness... the pain from labour/ delivery, postpartum, then the pain from breastfeeding have all tested my limits. For 2 months I took painkillers everyday. The last 2 weeks I only take them when the breastfeeding goes badly. Pain is no way to live. Pain is no way to take care of your child. You miss the magic when you are in constant pain. You miss the light.
Mentally I am stronger than I knew I was. My brain has had to override my body everyday to make it to where we are today. I have to override the pain, the frustration, the grief, the anger, the loneliness. My brain is my superpower. Everyday (ever hour somedays, every min sometimes) I wanted to quit. We set new end-dates, the next feed, at 4 weeks, at 6, at 8... now I say at 12 weeks... to reassess. I keep choosing to keep fighting. I'm either the stupidest person on earth or a superhero. I can't really decide. I know that something is making me try, then try again.
I don't know if I will last one more day or one more year.
What I know for certain is I wouldn't have made it this far without Max. I'm so proud of how we climbed out of our darkness. How we climbed together. I can't believe it sometimes when I look back. I'm so proud of how we fought for our little boy.
Hindsight being 20/20 there are a lot of things we would have done differently. I'm not going to bore you with how I would rewrite our journey. But if you ever need any advice, especially going into delivery regarding how best to prepare for breastfeeding just ask. Our journey left us with more knowledge than I know what to do with.
Thank you for the love, support and for cheering us on.
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Some reading that helped:
i am ayla
born in the east, raised in the west
daughter of two academics, both artists
masters in human rights, committed to social justice
love affair with travel, art, and food
speaks four languages, laughs in all