Regret
azizam,
You asked me about regret,
but it comes out as grief.
Are they the same?
Ten years of grief compounded.
Unsure of how to unstick,
where to even start.
My regret comes day to day,
I didn’t want it to go this way.
A two bedroom with just us,
all day,
every day.
No one to share it with,
every one so far.
This is not what I want.
This is not what I want.
This is not how I pictured this all to go,
a life so far from all of you,
us here with our littles,
and without you.
Every dance of magic I see in their eyes,
makes me long for you to witness their smile.
I regret you are not here,
I regret that this is our life.
But, I can’t see any choices made differently,
I don’t know where to even start.
My regret dances with my grief,
and my grief dances with regret.
And at the end they become the same,
a life of love,
and that ache of deep pain.
Life is for the living,
so we have to choose to live,
vibrantly.
xo,
a
i am ayla
born in the east, raised in the west
daughter of two academics, both artists
masters in human rights, committed to social justice
love affair with travel, art, and food
speaks four languages, laughs in all